If you ask anyone I know about me, almost everyone will tell
you that I am obsessed with food and wine. In fact, if you read my book, Holy Crap! The World is Ending!, it is
best not to do it on an empty stomach because this obsession is reflected in my
writing. A year ago, when my friend suggested we go to an all-inclusive resort
for our next vacation, my stomach growled in anticipation. When looking for a destination,
we stumbled upon not only an all-inclusive resort in Cancun, but a gourmet food all-inclusive resort.
Score! And let me tell you, it exceeded my expectations.
The El Dorado Seaside Suites (https://legacy.eldoradosparesorts.com/hotels-and-resorts/el-dorado-seaside-suites/restaurants.html)
not only delighted my taste buds, but the resort was beautiful. Each room had a
balcony with an infinity swimming pool, a Jacuzzi tub, and incredible views of
the ocean. And it didn’t break my wallet either! Oh yeah, and the spa day we
did… heaven.
But the fun didn’t stop there. We went on several day excursions.
All of them were amazing, and seeing Chichen Itza in person took my breath
away.
Two of the excursions really stood out for me, not only
because of where we visited, but the tour guides were total eye candy. The first was an underground river tour of the crystal
caves with the very sexy Tomas (pronounced too-moss) (https://www.viator.com/tours/Cancun/Rio-Secreto-Underground-River-Tour-with-Crystal-Caves/d631-3206CUNRIO).
The other was floating down the Sian Ka'an Reserve, Mayan Canal (https://www.riviera-adventours.com/tours/sian-ka-an-expedition-menu). On this one,
our tour hosts were two hot French guys with model-perfect physiques and sexy
accents to match. Double whammy!
There was so much to see and do, that sometimes it was just
about stopping to enjoy the natural beauty.
You never know what you may find if you keep your eyes open,
including a demon twig in the sand. 😮👹
It was by far my favorite vacation, and I can’t wait to go
back. And the three hottie tour guides I met will be making an appearance in a
future book, that’s for sure!
Holy Crap! The World is Ending!
How a Trip to the Bookstore Led to
Sex with an Alien and the Destruction of
Earth
The
Anunnaki Chronicles
Book
One
Anna-Marie
Abell
Genre: Humorous Paranormal
Romance
Publisher: Alien Abduction Press
Date of Publication: September
21, 2017
ISBN: 978-1-947119-01-7
ASIN: B071Z7YTW7
Number of pages: 349
Word Count: Just under 114,000
Tagline: End times are here! Now you can eat whatever
you want and not care if you gain weight.
Book
Description:
The president has announced that
Earth is going to collide with a rogue moon, and in the process, our entire
planet is going to be smashed to bits. As one would expect, upon hearing this
news, humans went ballistic. It was as if every sports team in the world lost
their championship game at the same time. No car was left unrolled—but oddly
enough, Taco Bell remained open and made unfathomable profits in the last days.
Apparently, Doritos Locos® Tacos were a popular last meal.
Autumn (who for the purpose of
this retelling asked to be portrayed as drool-inducing hot with kick-ass ninja
skills) has just been handed the task of saving all of humanity. With the help
of her unbelievably sexy alien boyfriend and her kleptomaniac friend with
fire-retardant hair, Autumn takes a spaceship and races to save her fellow
humans by using the Ark of the Covenant. Along the way, she discovers how
sheltered people are from the truth of extraterrestrials and their power to
either protect us or destroy us.
Stupid government.
Grab a bottle of wine, a shipload
of snacks, and prepare to take a ride on this humorous chick lit romantic
sci-fi paranormal adventure. If you’re into Ancient Aliens, conspiracy
theories, UFOs, crave a little sexy time in your reading, are curious if we
were genetically engineered (like the Sumerian cuneiform texts claim), and are
dying to find out the meaning of life, then this book is for you.
Book
Trailer: https://youtu.be/62OF9buIr-c
What Reviewers Have to Say
"An
unexpected story that promises to be one of the most creative fictional
discoveries of the year...a fun approach to the entire
save-the-Earth-from-alien-invasion scenario which successfully turns
traditional approaches upside down."- D.
Donovan, Senior Reviewer, Midwest Book Review
"A
rollicking seat of your pants fun ride through the universe!"- Joan Silvestro, Booktrader of Hamilton
"An
awesome read! Warm, witty--and thought provoking--a beach read that stays with
you throughout the year!"- Aionios
Books
"This
book starts with a lot of humour, but quickly gets a very rich storyline with
great characters and seriously... this ending? If you like to be blown away,
you should read this!" - Esther,
BiteIntoBooks
"Anna-Marie
Abell has succeeded in weaving her years of study into in the ancient Sumerian
culture and their gods with common conspiracy theories, pop culture and random
human quirkiness into an out of this world end times romp that will have you
laughing out loud at the most inappropriate times and possibly even shedding a
tear or two before it's all said and done." - Jennifer, JennlyReads
Excerpt 1
What if...
Ever since I was
a kid I’ve been fascinated by the unimaginable. I used to gaze at the night sky
and contemplate a series of what ifs. But I’m not talking about the boring
typical what ifs such as:
What if I won
the lotto?
What if I quit
my job and moved to Tanzania?
I’m talking
about those outlandish ones:
What if I ran
across a herd of three-inch pigmy cows capable of producing solid gold milk,
but each ounce I extracted took a month off my life? Would I still do it?
What if we could
suddenly have intellectual conversations with all animals? Would we continue to
eat them?
What if the
whole world went blind and deaf all at the same time? Would we survive as a
species?
Another favorite
childhood pastime of mine was observing ants clambering atop one another to
locate food or gather leaves, like inhabitants of a metropolis bustling to
work. Ants are innately oblivious to the threat of a gargantuan foot looming
over them. I’ve often wondered if humans would behave the same way if the
tables were turned.
What if a jumbo
foot came down on us and squashed a city block on a regular basis? After a
while, would we just shrug it off and alter course to go around it like ants
do?
Some people go
out of their way to squish any and all bugs that come across their path. Not
me. I have a strict “no kill” policy with every type of animal.
Well, that’s not
entirely true. I have an exception for animals I buy in a grocery store. I
know: this is incredibly hypocritical. But dammit, I love me some cow. Perhaps
I should define my “no kill” policy as “not slaying a creature simply because
it annoys you—or simply because you can.”
For example, I
can’t help but wonder:
What if I were
reincarnated as a fly in my next life? Would I appreciate getting stuck on a
glue trap?
Put yourself in
the fly’s place. You’re ambling along, minding your own business, when out of
nowhere the glorious aroma of In-N-Out Burger wafts in your direction. Those
freshly cooked fries and juicy burgers fill your senses with food ecstasy. Just
when you can’t take it anymore, a sign pops up out of thin air that reads: All
You Can Eat! Free In-N-Out Burgers All Day.
Salivating, you
charge toward the smell all excited. Then—BAM!—you step onto a glue pad, unable
to break free. Not only are you doomed to a lengthy, torturous death of
dehydration and starvation, but your last days are filled with the constant
aroma of those heavenly cheeseburgers you can never have.
Not the way I’d
want to kick the bucket, that’s for sure.
My fixation over
these what ifs is why I was so into UFOs, ancient aliens, near-death
experiences, ghosts, and really, anything paranormal. Truth be told, I’m not
sure if deep down I believed in all these things, or if I just wanted them to
be real, so I’d have something to hope for beyond the monotony of human life. I
mean, think about it. What would be more entertaining: cleaning a toilet, or
cleaning a toilet haunted by a ghost? (Well, a friendly one. It might get messy
if your bowl were possessed by a demon.) Phantom commodes win hands down.
I’ll never
forget the day this whole obsession got started. When I was six, I asked my mom
what life was going to be like when I grew up. She was always one for blunt
honesty, and she said, “Well, you’ll go to school for a really long time, marry
a guy who will lose all his hair, get a job you’ll probably hate, have kids,
get old, poop your pants, and then die.”
I broke down in
tears.
My mom ended up
regretting having told me all that, because at the age of seven, I convinced
myself that those things wouldn’t happen to me, and that it was my destiny to
one day rescue the planet. I am talking about a Will Smith in Independence Day
style rescue (except I imagined myself with a breadstick in my mouth instead of
a cigar). In one childhood fantasy, I used a butter knife and my badass Barbie
Mobile to defend the residents of my neighborhood from a rampaging, genetically
mutated, alien-giraffe hybrid that had escaped from a secret government lab. (Kids,
if you ever want your mom to get fired as the president of the PTA so she
doesn’t embarrass you in front of your class, simply splatter your shirt with
ketchup and burst into the annual Teacher Appreciation Luncheon with a spork
screaming about man-eating giraffes. Trust me, it works like a charm.)
This desire to
be the hero had me hooked on stories where people discover they’re part of an
amazing new reality—a world where the impossible becomes possible. If I waited
long enough, I thought, maybe Hagrid and his flying motorcycle would come
crashing into my bathroom as I sat on the toilet and proclaim, “You’re a
wizard, Autumn!”
But it's one
thing to dream it, and an entirely different thing to live it. Had I been smart
and heeded the advice of the Pussycat Dolls when they warned us to “Be careful
what you wish for, ’cause you just might get it,” then maybe things would have
played out differently.
I wished it.
I got it.
And now I’m
about to die.
Excerpt 2
He tenderly
swept my hair behind my ear and whispered, “I want you so bad right now.”
“Do you now?”
I bent to kiss
him. The instant we connected, electricity sizzled through our bodies.
Groaning, he hastily swapped our positions, so he was on top of me, and pressed
one leg between my thighs. One of his hands cupped my breast as he kissed my
neck; the other hand teased the skin just underneath my shirt.
“Boy, you don’t
waste any time, do you?” I breathed.
His sexy
half-smile lit up his face and he pressed his knee a little higher. The tingles
of an orgasm arose between my legs. No way am I going to last more than a
minute at this rate. Desperately needing things to progress more quickly, I
clawed at my clothes, trying to remove them.
Brushing his
lips against my ear, Rigel rumbled, “So impatient.” His hot breath against my
skin brought on the inevitable vibrations.
“Just a bit,” I
panted.
With a throaty
chuckle, he trailed his tongue along my cheek until he reached my mouth. He
lingered there, brushing his bottom lip against mine. One brush… then another.
“What are you
waiting for?” I protested.
“Just slowing
things down for you.”
“Well, stop it.”
I meant that to be playful, but my need practically had me snarling at him. He
was driving me insane.
With another
chuckle, he bit my bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth. The building pressure
in my core made me moan.
He grinned at
me. “If that set you off, you’d better get prepared for what I’m going to do
next.”
My heart
pounded. Oh, god. “You aren’t playing fair.”
Placing his arms
on either side of me, he brought his knee up, parting my legs until his thigh
pressed firmly against me.
I moaned again.
“Who said this
was going to be fair?” he said.
He rocked his
leg once. Another moan.
“Oh, so we’re
playing dirty?” Feeling gutsy from the lust, I used my fingernails to stoke the
growing bulge in his pants. I felt it twitch. I can’t believe I just did that!
He let out a
long breath and dove in for a kiss. Our lips parted, and he thoroughly claimed
my mouth. Any shyness I had melted away once his skilled tongue explored mine.
I gave back with the same intensity, my arms wrapping around his neck, fingers
lacing in his hair. He tasted like wine and honey. Our breathing became heavy,
moving in and out in sync.
The next thing I
knew, my shirt was off and flung on top of the lampshade. He carried me to his
bed and set me on the down comforter. The duvet was cool against my feverish
skin. Towering above me, Rigel stripped off his shirt, revealing his broad
chest. His muscles were taut, his skin smooth, abs rippling down to show a
faint trail of golden hair leading into his jeans.
“See something
you like?” he said.
Blushing, I
returned my greedy gaze to his face. Too much eye candy for a mere mortal to
handle. His hair was messy, partially falling into his face and artistically
shaping his features. That damn hair is such a turn-on.
I couldn’t wait.
I was as crazed as an impulse shopper on Black Friday, and Rigel was my
ten-dollar toaster oven. Pulling myself to my knees using his jean loops for
support, I gave his chest soft kisses. He still smelled of lavender, but now it
was mixed with a sweeter smell I couldn’t identify. It made me want to lick him
all over. Clutching the loops tighter, I began to explore.
As I moved lower
and lower with each kiss, his form danced and shone along the edges. I had to
rest my forehead against his abs and catch my breath. If I wasn’t careful, I
might pass out. When I went to unbutton his jeans, this untamed lust that
possessed me had my muscles contracting in anticipation, and I lost all ability
to use my hands. I couldn’t get the blasted button open.
“Dammit!”
With a playful
growl, Rigel thrust me back on the bed and finished undressing me… slowly. Way
too slowly. I didn’t know if it was because I was all revved up and ready to
go, or if he did it on purpose to drive me nuts, but either way it whipped me
into a frenzy. He slid one bra strap down, then the other. Reaching behind me,
he stroked my spine, and I arched my back to let him undo the fastener. As he
flung the bra across the room, his eyes blazed with anticipation of the feast
he was about to devour.
I was so
distracted by his firm pectoral muscles that it didn’t even register with me
that I was completely naked—until I saw he was twirling my panties around on
his pinky finger, one corner of his mouth quirked in a smile.
“How did you do
that?”
With a smirk he
answered, “One of my gifts.”
The bastard knew
I was about to burst with anticipation, so he taunted me further by slowly
undressing himself. First he undid the button on his jeans, then his fingers
moved to open the zipper. Inch by inch he unzipped it.
“You are pure
evil,” I breathed.
He pulled back
one side, then the other. No underwear. I gasped. The jeans slid to the ground.
Oh… my… god. He
was getting a five-star rating on Yelp first thing in the morning.
Unable to take
my eyes from it, I said, “That can’t be street legal.”
“No, but it
makes for a hell of a ride.”
Excerpt 3
Even though I’m
a huge fan and would never give up my membership, I don’t think Costco is the
bargain others tout it to be. Usually you can get cheaper prices at Target, if
you compare pound for pound and factor in waste. Unless, of course, you need a
silo of soda or one thousand packets of gravy—then Costco can come in handy.
I’ve heard a number of people spout on that the gas prices are worth the
membership fees alone. I call BS on that. Gas runs about ten cents per gallon
cheaper at Costco—if you’re lucky—so on average you’re saving a buck per
fill-up. I suppose this would be cool, except for the forty-five minutes you
spend in line waiting to get it. You forfeit the stupid dollar you saved idling
to get the gas in the first place. Once you add the membership fee into the
mix, I could argue that you’re losing money unless you fill your tank every day
of the week.
That said, there
is one thing about Costco that’s worth the price of membership alone: the free
samples. It’s virtually a complimentary tapas bar, providing a multitude of
scrumptious morsels.
And as if
management subconsciously knew the world was ending, they presented us with
quite the smorgasbord that day: Hot Pockets, deli sandwiches, sushi, curry
chicken, turkey meatloaf, potato salad, chili, Spanish rice, jelly beans,
energy bars, chocolate-covered nuts, and fruit juice. Normally, I make it a
rule not to be the butthead that goes for seconds, but under the circumstances,
I didn’t care. On my third trip to the Hot Pocket stand, the lady gave me a
dirty look, and I almost didn’t snatch another. But the gooey artificial cheese
oozing from the slice made it impossible for me to resist snagging an
additional helping.
In the
refrigerated section, we found a hidden sample station that had jalapeño soft
pretzel nuggets with nacho cheese dipping sauce. Score! When we went to grab a
box out of the freezer to take home, we discovered a plethora of new products
we hadn’t yet stimulated our taste buds with. In particular, there were these
delectable double-fried pork and shrimp egg rolls. Yes, double-fried, with a
bonus layer of tempura coating.
“Those look so
flippin’ yummy,” Emma said.
“Should we get
them?”
“I kinda want
them now.”
Feeling reckless
from the knowledge of our imminent demise, I evaluated our options. An empty
sampling station with a toaster oven teased me at the end of the aisle. I
nudged Emma and pointed at it. She smiled in agreement. Opening the freezer, I
snagged a package of rolls, and we took it over to the station.
“Shouldn’t we
put on some kind of disguise?” Emma asked.
She had a point.
We definitely were not dressed for the part. Thinking on my feet, I rummaged
inside the station’s cabinet and pulled a pack of hairnets from the depths. We
snapped a couple on.
“Perfect!” I
said, appraising Emma’s netted noggin.
Not wasting any
more time, we tore open the box of rolls and threw them in the toaster oven.
Within seconds, a crowd buzzed on all sides of us, like a swarm of flies after
a warm pile of poo, waiting to get their mitts on our precious haul.
I leaned in
toward Emma and whispered, “I hadn’t planned on sharing.”
“Me either. What
should we do?”
A ding alerted
us that the rolls were ready, and the sound was like a dinner bell for the
drooling throng. We withdrew the crispy deliciousness; the smell was
intoxicating. The mob gathered closer, a pack of rabid dogs moving in for the
kill.
“We do apologize,
everyone,” I announced. “It appears that these egg rolls might be defective. We
need to submit them to quality control.”
The crowd moaned
in disappointment.
Emma and I each
wrapped a roll in a napkin and made a break for it, tossing our hairnets in a
passing cart as we went. Behaving like junior high kids who had gotten away
with skipping class, we giggled with pride and sprinted into an empty aisle.
Hidden behind the wastelands of the toilet paper section, we chowed down at
bionic speed, blowing out the heat and fluttering our hands wildly at our
tongues because they had been scorched by the nuclear inferno of minced shrimp
and cabbage.
Keeping my eyes
peeled for any security on their way to nab us, I said, “Can you imagine having
to spend our last few days on Earth in jail for looting egg rolls?”
About
the Author:
Anna-Marie Abell grew up in a
trailer park. Well, several actually. Her trailer was on wheels so she got to
experience the Pacific Northwest’s vast array of mobile home parks as her parents
moved her from one to the other. Somewhere along the way, she got totally into
UFOs. Probably because she was hoping extraterrestrials would come and abduct
her. But they never did. Luckily for her she was smart, because her only hope
of escaping trailer life was college and a full scholarship. Moving to sunny
California on her almost full ride to Chapman University, she was well on her
way to her new life. Two bachelor degrees later (Film and Television Production
and Media Performance), and several honors and awards for her accomplishments,
she managed to start working in an almost completely unrelated industry from
her majors: infomercials.
It was in college that she got
bit by the “ancient alien” bug after listening to Zecharia Sitchin on Coast to
Coast AM. In her pursuit to uncover the truth, she has spent the last twenty
years researching the ancient Sumerian culture—in particular their “gods”
called the Anunnaki—and their connection to the creation of the human race.
What she found changed her life, her beliefs, and her understanding of the
universe and everything beyond. Her humorous science fiction trilogy, The
Anunnaki Chronicles, is a culmination of all her research, her borderline
obsession for all things paranormal, and approximately 2,300 bottles of wine.
Website: http://writtenbyanna.com/
Newsletter Signup: http://writtenbyanna.com/prepare-for-contact/
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Twitter: https://twitter.com/writtenbyanna
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Tour
giveaway
1 Special Edition Hardback (US
Only)
5 Ebooks (anywhere)
